Description
Thesis statement: Needs Improvement
Your thesis statement claims that the poem is arguing against the objectification of women and the need for women to have men in their lives. You do not phrase the thesis statement as an independent sentence, referring to “these two points”. This reference to the earlier sentence makes the reader wonder whether the thesis statement actually contains the most complete expression of what will be in the paper. The feminist complaints your thesis statement describe are definitely present in the poem, but they are a theme rather than an assertion. In other words, Rich is writing a poem about feminism, but the point she is making does not end at the description of what feminists demand. The title of the poem and the technique of fragmentation inherent in snapshots suggest a dialogue among women about individual feminist experiences. For every daughter-in-law, there is a mother-in-law, and the poem gives several instances where one is reflecting on the other, and comparing experiences and expectations across generations. For your rewrite, you should return to your prewriting to try to reach a deeper interpretation of the poem. You can assume that details of the feminist argument and look for the departures the poet makes to explore the conversation about feminism among women. Create a new thesis statement with an assertion and a summary of subtopics that will demonstrate the assertion.
Overall Writing: Needs Improvement
The writing process we are practicing calls on you to use the subtopics in your thesis statement for an outline to organize your essay. Because you do not have subtopics in your thesis statement, you do not have the basis for an outline, and your essay is not well organized as a result. Instead of giving subtopics that support your thesis statement, you largely excerpt parts of the poem that discuss the oppression of men over women, and you present them serially without plan. For your rewrite, begin with a new thesis statement, and try to develop subtopics for an outline that can help organize your essay and march your insights toward a proof of your thesis statement.
Grammar and formatting: Needs Improvement
Sentence splices (consider using the Writing Studio for help with this problem)
Margin control
Heading errors
Title format
Wrong word usage
Poor phrasing
Spelling
Line breaks
Verse markers
Missing citation
Repetitive conclusion
Short of word count requirements